Revelation Inspiration Illumination

I JUST want to FUCKING feel normal!!!!

A sense of it— if JUST that…

Whatever IT is!!!

I WANT it!!!

I NEED it!!!

These emotionalities that haunt my every waking state are killing me like a cancer no one can see.

I want to exist in this life at the rate at which everyone else seems to function at— I’m rapidly loosing interest… even reasons to try to stay. 

Abba interven before me.

If I be judged— let it be known, I tried. I really did. As hard & as ruthless with all of the aspects of hardness and ruthlessness I possess. 

If I failed— & be called a failure, let it again be known, I tried. In fact [said without arrogance] more than anyone I know…

The only reason. THE only reason, I haven’t already quit, checked out of this life— is not because I’m of noble character or understand anything enough to demand I stay. 

No, none of that is the case.

I stay for the simple fact I will not abandoned you. I do not understand this— I don’t. Such like God in the timing. 

If I would of met you sooner in life I might or most likely have been quite the eccentric individual. If I met you later in life… I’m afraid that might not have even been a possibility. The timing of actually meeting you is done so nicely, so eloquently, that if it hadn’t already have/had happen… I’d be gone. Dead.

I know that I love you & I’m not ok with you working without me in life’s endeavors.

God is perfect. 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. -Isaiah 55:8-9

Could it really be as simple as taking a few more pills than recommended?

Overdose?

Questions that are not properly answered do not go away. 

We shouldn’t have our world view dictating science, instead we should have our science unbiasedly presented without our world view. 

Science shouldn’t be that way. 

However, this will never happen. We’re often too passionate about being RIGHT. Perhaps though, we could try. 

Our world view could have been corrupted or hurt— by brainwashing or by our own tactics of self preservation. Vendetta.

That’s why they are so passionate about being RIGHT. Nothing real or meaningful to live for. When men withdrawal from faith… 

“Sir why did you take great pains to hide yourself?”

*sigh*

On another note:

Being utilized where you fit best or where you are gifted most… seems right.

If you find your niche or the place where you feel home perhaps you should run with it.

When I see others living up to their design or at the point to which they are satisfied with the direction their life is heading—I become hateful?

I’m dissatisfied with almost every aspect of my life—I can’t handle the pain I feel inside. I try to reach out to the Most High to take all of it. I JUST cannot maneuver in this life anymore—at least I feel like it.

I need to RID myself of all negativity. 

“Notwithstanding in this rejoice not, that the spirits are subject unto you.” Luke 10:20

As Christian workers, worldliness is not our snare, sin is not our snare, but spiritual wantoning is, viz.: taking the pattern and print of the religious age we live in, making eyes at spiritual success. Never court anything other than the approval of God, go “without the camp, bearing His reproach.” Jesus told the disciples not to rejoice in successful service, and yet this seems to be the one thing in which most of us do rejoice. We have the commercial view - so many souls saved and sanctified, thank God, now it is all right. Our work begins where God’s grace has laid the foundation; we are not to save souls, but to disciple them. Salvation and sanctification are the work of God’s sovereign grace; our work as His disciples is to disciple lives until they are wholly yielded to God. One life wholly devoted to God is of more value to God than one hundred lives simply awakened by His Spirit. As workers for God we must reproduce our own kind spiritually, and that will be God’s witness to us as workers. God brings us to a standard of life by His grace, and we are responsible for reproducing that standard in others.

Unless the worker lives a life hidden with Christ in God, he is apt to become an irritating dictator instead of an indwelling disciple. Many of us are dictators, we dictate to people and to meetings. Jesus never dictates to us in that way. Whenever Our Lord talked about discipleship, He always prefaced it with an “IF,” never with an emphatic assertion - “You must.” Discipleship carries an option with it.

by Oswald Chambers

Jesus only did
what he saw you do
he would only say
what he heard you speak

he would only move
when he felt you lead
following your heart
following your spirit

how could I expect
to walk without you
when every move that Jesus made
was in surrender

I would not begin
to live without you
for you alone are worthy
and you are always good